finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
