He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life