We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM