he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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