she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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