I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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