i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
