omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
