there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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