I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
