Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
