sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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