i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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