I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
