i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
