I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
