Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
