Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
