I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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