Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
