that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
