I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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