Porn is love you can see.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
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It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
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fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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