When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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