Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
