if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
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you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
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The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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