Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
