i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
