my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
