Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
