Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
