I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Everyone says I win the strip club
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
