i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
