So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
