Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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