I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
