can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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