Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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