It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
