whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
