i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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