hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
