How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
