I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
