put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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