i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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