Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize
