At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
