you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
