Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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