I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
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I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
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Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
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