So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize
