The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
