There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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