In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
